Finding My Way

It’s been three seasons since my launch or coming out with Cactus Pash. Before that, years of hiding and silence. Feeling fresher and clearer than recent months, I’m ready to check in with myself and translate it to you and hopefully tap into your world and harness a little goodness along the way. I’ve been so busy doing not much lately. It wasn’t the plan, rather an unintentional swerve towards a scattered stand still or rather a whirlpool of new beginnings attached to a lifetime of hard to deal with shit! Bursting to move forward, yet feeling the forces of a negative pull has been quite the journey this year - my world is spewing all sorts of stresses and expectations and pressures and imagined accomplishments and saving the masses and all that goes with my complicated desire to be free from it all… What I have learnt is the hardship will never completely vanish. I know it will always be a part of who I am and the making of who I have become. It’s difficult to dissect the bad from the good sometimes. It’s often so entwined with so many levels of mess, not just within myself but with other people. Honing in on the old self awareness needs constant evaluation. Two loves of my life have encouraged me to keep improving: Music - it has saved me, soothed me, excited me, warmed me, connected me and protected me and I need to pay homage to every artist who shares their truths and their vulnerabilities with us all. Fitness - although it has been on hold with my broken leg and back, I started an August Challenge through my Bamboo Fitness business by setting a goal distance for the month and achieving it through running or walking. I set my distance at 70 km for the month and managed 100 km. I cannot emphasise how this challenge transported me from sloth land to less drinking, more energy, hint of toned legs, fitness elevation, clearer head and so much more. Highly recommend this - nominate a distance, tell a friend at the beginning of each month and see what happens. I consider myself a pretty strong person and the truth is, I often feel extremely weak, especially the last couple of years . The scars are a bastard to hide and they often appear in the most unexpected places. What I place importance on though, are the people you choose to keep close and the ones you choose to let go. This has been a crucial learning curve for me. The dynamics of human connection is so pure and beautiful it is often hard and sometimes too late to distinguish the genuine from the not so. It’s all I look for these days. The good people don't realise how much they soften the scars and add sparkle to the joy. The life of new friendships, old friendships, family - close and afar are all contributors to a well balanced life. This is true for each and every one of us and for me this aspect of my life is paramount in getting right. My work life consists of being a Personal Trainer where I train amazing people on the beach 4 sessions per week. I freakin love this part of my life. I love helping and guiding people and contributing to their elevation of a better life. I’ve also been cracking on with a new business idea and the further I create, the more freaked out I have become. I have never felt more overwhelmed with pursuing a new business and it’s also been a big learning curve, so much so, I’ve reined in on the motion, almost ceased the flow! So its time to reflect why I’m running from this and geez I’m quite shocked it’s transpired in this way…. it's exciting though so stay tuned. Life with my husband and 2 beautiful daughters has been strained, yet amazingly wonderful at the same time, well maybe not at the same time - who am I kidding! I’ll be honest with you and let you in on the tumultuous wave that goes with the build up and release of the emotions that Cactus Pash created and my near 40 years of ‘against the current’ swimming.

I can without the slightest doubt attest to ONLY THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE. My shit can be worked though because I catch myself out, the crazy in me requires frequent communication and understanding and conversation until it’s resolved. My constant search for a better self is sometimes so boring for my husband that I’m sure he wishes I’d lose my voice or just have another beer. It goes back to my constant search for good people in aide of protecting my heart. It’s a little crazy but it’s all too real and I won’t deny it. I have no time for people with a hidden agenda or the fake types. I just want to soak in the delights of well grounded people. Salt of the earth people and dance amongst their big hearts, and dedicate efforts in making more memories with them. Some people have asked me how I’ve been going since Cactus Pash came out? It’s been quite a difficult question to answer. Like I’ve said above, there are so many things to compartmentalise and I have a long way to go……

I feel so proud and wonderfully free, I feel sickened by the saturation of past and current abuse, I feel immense anger towards Paedophile's and the ordinary people lurking amongst us in friends groups and within families that have a sexual aversion towards our precious children, I feel let down that more people aren’t talking to me about this, I feel ashamed of people who still cast shame on this crime, I feel disappointment towards people who continue to protect family members who rape children, I feel a law should be introduced to make people who hide this crime more accountable, I feel like my quest to slaughter the silence has just begun, I feel immense sorrow for anyone who has been abused as a little person, so much so it rips my heart into a million pieces and so much more, I feel frustrated when I hear parents say my child is too young to have this discussion, I feel a healthy acceptance that I was abused so I can be a warrior against such a crime, I feel the love that has showered me since the launch of CP, I feel such gratitude for the freedom I have created for myself by sharing my story with the world, I feel a burst of love for life everyday, I feel anger when Schools and other institutions dismiss the severity of abuse and have loose practices that can enable the action of a Paedophile, I feel pity for those who deny and dismiss how common this crime is, I feel bucket loads of respect for those people who talk to me about Cactus Pash, I feel vulnerable every single day, and most of all I feel so determined to keep sharing and fighting and changing and challenging as ever before. One thing to remember is, I had been raped over 200 times long before many of you decided it was the right time to talk to your kids about this. Keep the conversation open and do whatever you have to in your crusade to protecting our kids, your kids xx AND KEEP YOUR PAEDOPHILE RADAR ON. Paedophile's are NOT OLD Men! For more info read my other blog - Paedophile Radar & Best Support Tips Thank you and much love to you all xx