Confronting Your Rapist & Why You Should

On this day, 21st June 1994, 30 years ago (eeeks) I decided to confront my abuser, (my Pop), who raped me over 200 times over 8 years. I was a young 21 year old Woman, facing life with all its wonder and craziness, forcing myself to attend regular counselling appointments and struggling to maintain friendships and a relationship. I was pretty much out of control at this time in my life. It was a compounding mess and I struggled to keep my shit together. In saying that, there was always a niggling message in my head that wouldn't go away. I needed to do what was right. I never exposed this Man or pressed charges when I came out at 14 because of the secretive culture backed by family pressure. That was an injection of self loathing and helplessness right there. That message near killed me. Layers of hideous memories upon pain upon fears and the resounding message was, simply live with it...so my yearning to get in the ring with this Man was paramount. The injustice was so incredible that I couldn't turn my back on myself or any other person he was hurting. The realisation that I was not the only one was ringing in my ear with such intense noise I could no longer ignore it. I faced him for myself and I faced him for the others. I also faced him for who he would hurt in the future. Well I tried my hardest at least. My Counsellor, a true gem and a wonder Woman to have worked with me. I’m serious! I was a hard case, a head strong nut bag with a brick wall barrier around me. She tried her best to crack me, and at times she did. Over the span of 10 years we cried together, we laughed together and she hugged me when most vulnerable. I admired her tenacity and perseverance. (no wonder I howled for hours after watching ‘Good Will Hunting’ - I was Will, she was Robin Williams)!

For a full year we prepared to confront my abuser. We role played (oh how I detested that), we wrote copious amounts of stuff, we discussed scenarios, outcomes and we planned it with as much preparation as the unknown can allow. I told my Mum and she organised various family members to take the wife of this Man out for lunch so I could orchestrate this without interruption. A took my dear friend Kerrie with me and she was prepped also. We sat in her car around the corner from his house in downtown suburbia. We had the stares of neighbours and even a Police car did the slow drive by. Little did they know what we were planning to do. We drove into his driveway once the coast was clear. Kerrie had a dictaphone down her pants as part of the organisation, play was pressed and I knocked on the door. I have never been so terrified as an adult. My body shook all over and I could hardly speak. I wanted to execute this just right. I wanted all of my hard work with my Counsellor to pay off. I craved for redemption and I needed all the strength I had (at this very moment) and the pressure was incredibly debilitating yet immensely calming. I told him to sit down. He said, ‘what’s wrong!’ I came straight out and said, ‘I’m here to ask why you sexually abused me?’ At this moment the power within was holding me upright. He sat down and the spit was momentarily drained from his mouth. He asked Kerrie to leave. I told him to ‘shut the fuck up, she will stay with me and support me’. I fired all sorts of questions at him. The empowerment I felt was unbelievable and frightening at the same time. This was the first time this Man was not intimidating me, raping me, threatening me, forcing me to do abhorrent things and this was the very first time I’d ever stood face to face with this man while I told him everything I thought of him. No holding back…. After I asked the question, ‘Why did you abuse me?’, he came straight out with, ‘don’t you remember how close we were when you were a little girl’….. Oh seriously, what the fuck are these people made of! That comment catapulted me into a tirade of truths and threw it right back in his face, calling him anything I could muster with words as destructive as they deserved. He threatened me from his chair in the lounge room, still dry mouthed and shaking. He was trembling with his words and his movements. Not for feeling any remorse but for the fear of being found out. He said, I’d ruin the family if I told. I would destroy his marriage and his wife'. Nothing I hadn’t heard before. I barked straight back in his face and told him it was his fault, his crime, his putridness, his filthy doing. My last words were...'if I ever find out you are doing this to one single person, I will tell your wife, I will tell the world'. With that we left… Back in the car I was still shaking and Kerrie and I just looked at each other. She pulled the dictaphone out we drove away. The biggest sigh of relief left my body. I did it - I actually did it! It was a time in my life where I felt extremely proud of myself. With or without family support I did this for myself. I did it because I knew I needed to feel superior to his threats and abuse after years of feeling so controlled. It was the turning point in my life even though there wasn’t much of a shift in regard to outing him or laying criminal charges, etc. It was still enough to elevate my sense of worth and begin the journey of dismantling his power. A few years prior when contemplating confronting him, I would grapple at the idea and shrug it off, push it down and just shudder at the thought. It was too hard to imagine feeling that courageous. After a lifetime of feeling caged and grossly connected to him, I never thought I could do it. The organisation, the what ifs, and the deep seeded fear was monstrous. It controlled all logic of what was a real possibility to stand in front of him and validate my position in all of this and to regain the power that I’d never had. To look back in hindsight after the confrontation at age 21, I can attest to the amount of strength I actually possessed but failed to realise, let alone nurture. I held more strength and grit than I gave myself credit for, yet my self love was almost paralysed as I bore down in the pits of despair under the bleak blanket of what is sexual violence inflicted upon a child. That was me. This is me now, and if I can encourage anyone out there who is thinking of confronting their abuser or a close friend or family member who longs to confront a Paedophile or any sex offender, then I say, tomorrow is too far away. Forget the family members who try to convince you otherwise. They are in it for themselves. Dig deep and find the warrior in you. We all have it and please know that without a shadow of a doubt, you are conquerable in every aspect of your character compared to these cowards. They are weak in every way. Plan well, seek support, have back up and go forth with courage pumping through your veins. Honour yourself once and for all. I stand with you…. xxx much love & endless courage to you all Tara