Misery of an Unbalanced Relationship

Ok so I'm no expert, can't say I've a relationship degree or anything in certificate form to back up my knowledge on ones psychological platform. All I can attribute to this piece of writing is my desire to help pull people from their sad woes and unite my life experiences with my lessons and type away. I’ve worked in a few different fields.....Checkout Chick, Youth Worker for Homeless Young People, Manager for Hostel in London, Hamper business owner in Byron Bay and owner of Bamboo Fitness where I’m currently a Personal Trainer. I don’t know what it is but I certainly seem to have an ear for clients/friends unleashing their misery! For the record, I wouldn’t have it any other way! Maybe it stems from my past and that feeling of sorrow, sadness and helplessness all too well and wanting to take that away from people. Maybe it's the joy I long to see in others? Maybe it's as simple as feeling an intolerance when witnessing an injustice. Maybe it's a combination of all of these things! Whatever it is, I just give a shit. I find it extremely difficult to turn the other cheek, to mind my own business even when someone is being treated unfairly. It will serve you better to start tugging on that anchor and sharing your stuff with whoever wants to listen. It’ll kill you if you don’t! Or it will chomp at your happy bones until there are none left except wretched sticks dragging you from one miserable corner to another and if you have children you will be a walking reminder of what NOT to be...

There is a massively important point I need to make before I go on. In no way do I hate Men. I love Men, they make me laugh, they’re delicious eye candy, they know how to place fun before responsibility (that’s a refreshing trait to have sometimes), they seem to care less about the trivial stuff and in SOME circle of friends (not mine of course) they are way more fun at bbq’s and parties because they talk about interesting stuff and not each other! And before I unleash my thoughts below, I wish to add, Men also fall victim of unfair treatment by Women. It’s as common as a dirty Kebab after a belly full of beer at 3am. I'm just sharing the countless stories I've been privy to hear over time, in the Community Services sector and in general day to day discussions, all of which deserve mention (and a blog). So, now that is perfectly clear...

I can understand why people confide in me in the beginning. I try to be as empathetic and tolerant as one can be when I’m hearing any injustice, and am a firm believer in there being two sides to the story, plus I’m a forgiver, and try to be all things fair. However, and a big fat however, is I’m now living comfortably in my early 40’s and hearing Women complain about their partners/husbands is something I don’t get too involved in anymore. It's been a tough lesson for me after sticking by friends for years, listening to how unhappy they are over and over and over. There comes a time when you either live with the shit or you don’t!

I am now much quicker to say, ‘you seriously have to sort that shit out or leave!’ Of course I search for a delivery of diplomacy but the message is simple...if you are miserable, if you have communicated like a duplication wombat with little results, if you’ve fallen out of love, if he makes you feel fat, ugly and worthless, if you hate yourself because you have listened to his tirades for far too long, if he smells and has little hygiene and wants to fuck you tirelessly, if he controls all of the money, if he treats you like a caged animal and hands out a free pass to society three times a year, if he fails in domestic responsibilities around the house (and for crying out loud...stop saying he doesn't clean 'YOUR' kitchen and 'YOUR' house. It's his kitchen and his house as much as yours and your ownership of the damned kitchen needs to be an immediate language castration of your conditioned upbringing), if he refuses to spend time with you and instead his mates, prefers to fight, is emotionally disconnected, if he isolates you from friends or family even and discourages catch ups even if it's subtle then you really do need to ‘sort that shit out! One of you needs to be the hero. One of you needs to steer the ship in the right direction. If it's not him then it needs to be you! Or vise versa. If it's worth fighting for, then COMMUNICATE.

If you are searching for a solution and drastically want to improve your wellbeing then you have a few choices from where I’m sitting...

Firstly, you communicate! You sit together and you tell him what you desire in him, what you expect from him, how you want him to respect you, what you refuse to be treated like, what you want to change, what he can do to save the marriage (along with your own two bobs worth of effort and self adaption - never forget that), what are the positive attributes you want to stay in your relationship and of course what he expects from you. I could go on about praising him and balancing out the conversation to avoid and attract blame, aggression and defensiveness but I’m not a marriage counsellor and that’s a little bit of common sense.

Secondly, (providing you managed to sit down like two mature functional people and communicate) you have both decided to lift your game in order to reignite your passion, resurrect your love, re-oil the bed head etc etc etc. If your relationship improves then wonderful! Your adult conversation worked and that probably means you are both on the same page and still want each other. I’d say stick with it and keep the focus on any of the aspects discussed earlier that have been ignored. Work together and keep talking...

Thirdly, if he has NOT given a flying toss about your adult conversation and this feels like a record on repeat with skips and scratches and slurry lyrics on the wrong speed than fuck him off. Ok, you love him and I’m writing this as if I’m talking to an unconditional friend. Sorry if I’m sounding harsh, but really, what else are you prepared to do? Stay living in misery land with the other miserable Men & Women in misery town on their pity train, bitching, moaning, crying, analysing his every word, touch and misconstruing his messages and actions in the hope he really does want to make it work. He doesn’t love you or should I say he doesn’t love himself. Do yourself a favour and confide in your nearest and dearest friends and family and make plans to leave. You can do it. If Women who are beaten to a pulp or severely verbally and emotionally abused can leave their horror house, then you can too. (If you need further support, head over to my Resources section for Professional Support Services).

Lastly, you are not weak, a failure or unlovable if you have stayed in an unhealthy relationship. You will be ready to leave your current misery when you have truly had enough. Please don’t stay together for the kids! It’s an excuse and I can vouch for this...another wholehearted topic for another time. Little people adapt to their surroundings quick smart so if you role model a volatile marriage or partnership, then your children will adapt the same habits and behaviours and believe me, they are extremely hard to break. You deserve to be happy and your children deserve to see you happy. Be the role model you wish to be for your children, your family, your friends but most importantly - yourself.