Paedophile Radar & Best Support Tips

LIST OF TIPS & WARNING SIGNS

IF YOU WANT MORE IN DEPTH INFORMATION ON ALL THINGS DISCUSSED HERE, HEAD OVER TO MY RESOURCES SECTIONS...

Paedophiles are NOT OLD Men! (and some are Women of course). The reason most of us have an image of an old man being a Paedophile is this simple fact. Most people disclose their childhood abuse when they're much older, often in their 30's, 40's, 50's and beyond and that's because of the family secrets and a family member or close friend who is most likely the perpetrator. There are many other reasons for this which I have mentioned in other blogs (ie. fear, threats, family alienation, shame etc). So by the time they're exposed, they're old! The truth is: Men rape children in their youth, in their 20's, 30's and 40's. It is also likely they have displayed many inappropriate sexual behaviours before this and it's gone undetected or ignored. So remember, these Paedophiles are young parents, still playing weekend club footy, going to bbq's with other families, the funny guy in the group, the one who'd do anything for anyone, still reading books to his kids and they are well camouflaged as ordinary well respected people in our community. This is fact, not my opinion. The more we blow the lid on this and expose child abuse secrets and not harbour them in the first place, the sooner we will realise these Men are young and all around us.

1st November, 2016

VITAL INFORMATION:

SOMETHING HAPPENED RECENTLY WHERE I BECAME AWARE OF A FRIENDS HUSBAND & ANOTHER WOMAN WHO CONTACTED ME (TWO SEPARATE FAMILIES / STORIES).

.....The wives had learnt their partners were serial child pornography (child exploitation) observers on the internet. They both had a decent history (not one offs) of visiting child porn sites of which they both found on their computer accidentally. All repulsive images of young children displaying awful acts in all sorts of situations, and both admitted to masturbating over them. It goes without saying that these devoted partners / fathers were never ever suspected of being interested in child porn, let alone turned on by children being sexually exploited and raped. Naturally it came with a tidal wave of shock, disbelief and anger for these two Women. They both have children of both sexes.

The smorgasbord of emotions and the barrage of questions was and still is horrendously difficult for these Women. That is their story and I will leave it at that without divulging further into their up turned world. I can honestly say, this easy access of child pornography through the internet has left me more bewildered about this fucked up world of some Men who are attracted to children, than ever before. (yes there are Women Paedophiles but they are a flicker of who contribute to the statistics of sexually abusing Children - Women tend to be facilitators rather than act sexually).

My message to you after hearing about this is a very important one, however it's also an extremely tricky one. To doubt a loved one - a partner, a brother, an uncle, a friend, a son, is a revolting suggestion BUT the stories above are testament to none of us ever really knowing?! I encourage you to check the history on your home/his computer...do it for kicks, do it out of curiosity, do it out of suspicion and PLEASE if nothing else...do it for your Children and all the Children in the world. If nothing pops up you have nothing to lose, if something abhorrent is evident then you'll be glad you did.

Don't under estimate the seriousness and prevalence of the Child Exploitation industry. It's mega, and it's only mega because of the millions of followers...and be reminded that Paedophiles are not old sleazy Men. Sadly they are among us, as inconspicuous as they come.

As discussed in the Family Dynamics and Secrecy Blog, I was alone in my quest for survival and keeping my head above water, especially within the walls of my immediate and extended family. For various reasons....some absurd, some with validity, some just downright neglect and denial. Whatever the reasons from various people, this out pouring of truth is mine not theirs. Don’t let what happened to me happen to a single person in your life. It’s a responsibility we ALL need to take on, and that is to discuss Paedophilia with your family, friends and others, but no one more important than your children. No excuses, never ever!

When there is a notorious and brutal crime happening to our children as prevalent as I know it is, there are very little substantiated reasons for not protecting a child when you are aware of a perpetrator in your own conscience. The slightest inclination, instinct, observed behaviour, your own abuse, disclosure of another...the list goes on...You cannot turn your back on protecting children. It’s an unspoken duty whether you like it or not.

TOP TIPS TO STOP PERPETRATORS ASSAULTING CHILDREN

* Keep your radar on...perpetrators are most likely family members. Don’t discount

friends and key people in society like teachers, sport leaders, religious leaders etc. Be vigilant, not paranoid...

* Sit down with your child/ren from as early as they can comprehend the subject (and I mean early). You can pitch the conversation in a way as to not scare them and if you do, that’s better than a life inflicted by all things child abuse). Children are resilient and will remember warning signs from your conversation somewhere down the track. I cannot emphasis this enough. It can be the difference between an unblemished spirit and a destroyed one.

* Don’t send your child/ren to a friends house for play dates without doing your research on the parents, older siblings and their circle of friends. Get to know them as much as possible. Resist sleepovers until you’re absolutely certain.

* Be as present in your child’s life as much as possible (without wrapping them in cotton wool). Again, equip them with enough information to notice warning signs so you can let them grow as children should, to be wild, to fall down, to rise up, to be free...

* If you haven’t spoken to your kids about this (protective behaviours) then to be honest, you’re not doing your job and I beg you to start the conversation today. (see below for some quick tips on what to say)

* Employees - always adhere to your current State Government’s “Working With Children Check’ and make sure these procedures are followed through every single time. This is a background criminal history check. Bare in mind not many victims disclose their abuse, nor press charges on their abuser so many perpetrators have never been convicted and can appear squeaky clean. That leaves thousands of them on the loose. Be vigilant in the workplace.

BEST WAYS TO SUPPORT A SURVIVOR OF CHILD SEXUAL ASSAULT

* Never turn your back on a child who identifies as being abused...never ever!

* Children rarely make this up but if this ends up being the outcome then so be it. They’ll need an immense amount of support for feeling the need to concoct such a story. Don’t turn your back on them and there’s a chance the abuse actually did occur, and still is and they’ve been threatened. Keep a close eye on them.

* Listen, listen, listen...no matter what your mood, sit & listen. Sometimes all a survivor wants is to unload and have someone to hear you. So simple & yet so effective.

* Offer to attend counselling with them. Totally invaluable gesture. If they’re not seeing a professional offer to help them find the right one. Make phone calls etc.

* Randomly ask how they’re doing (regarding their abuse). Simple and so effective. It shows you care and that’s priceless.

* Abused children grow to need extra care and love. They had that love violated by a family member or close other so repairing that severed emotion will be a long road to heal. Be aware of this and give as much as needed and more.

* Touch base with their partner or best friend and ask how they’ve been? Keep a consistent dialogue going so it feels natural to discuss.

* Be patient. They are likely to test your relationship to see how much you care and love them. It is a very common symptom and all you can do is keep reassuring your love through your ACTIONS.

* Praise them. Do what you can to uplift and encourage in all facets of their life (without going over the top) and if you feel they are on the right track then say so. Say how proud you are of them for it is a tough tough road to walk when you’re a survivor of child sexual assault. It's the loneliest place...It can’t be emphasised enough...

Never keep it a secret

What happens to the victim when we cover it up. The illusion you are protecting the them... * No validation * Confirms it’s shameful, therefore it should remain a secret * Sends a message to the victim you aren’t worthy of the mess it will evoke * Lies begin to take hold, family secrets manifest. * The wrong people are protected - wives, family members * A lifetime of misery and self destruction takes place because such a crime has gone unnoticed * The most selfish act takes place by the parents or whoever has decided it must remain a secret - inconvenience motivated by fear * Reputation is more important then the crime and child * Relationships between the care givers and victim are severed or severely damaged * Society and the justice system has no real grasp on the extent of the crime because families are remaining silent, hence lenient sentences and a failing judicial system. The reality of child abuse is still so underground

* Groups of friends, family friends, the community and society are unaware of the perpetrators (ordinary people) and sticking with the stigma of these men being old and sleazy And guess what - the perpetrator is fist pumping and continuing on their merry way.

WARNING SIGNS OF A PERPETRATOR - for parents

* He or she (abuser) is hanging around a lot. They are over the top nice. They are offering to help out with your child, to lend a helping hand at your house. They start their grooming on you too.

* Your child has taken a liking to this person/s in the early days because the abuser is enticing them with toys, food, money and fun stuff etc. Ask the question? 'Is there anything inappropriate going on'? (assuming they know what inappropriate means?) Perfect time for a refresher talk on this subject.

* Money in your child’s pockets, bag etc. Perpetrator is on the move.

* Child raving and obsessing about a significant adult. Perpetrators give kids everything and anything they want. They appear cool not dorky or sleazy or inappropriate.

* Affectionate people can be totally harmless, however an abuser is likely to be testing your child's boundaries ever so slightly and a touch here and there is part of their plan.

WARNING SIGNS YOUR CHILD OR A CHILD IS BEING ABUSED

* Withdrawing from family and friends and overall changes in behaviour.

* School grades slipping and lack of motivation or wagging.

* A sudden change in becoming extremely private, especially privacy of their body.

* Strange and unexplainable behaviour could be due to being drugged. This is not far fetched and happens.

* Wanting to hang out with the abuser in the early stages as mentioned above. Could also be threatened to participate.

* Bed wetting

* Insomnia and nightmares

* Promiscuous behaviour

* Self harm / suicidal comments

* Drug & Alcohol Abuse

* Excessive anger

HOW TO TALK TO YOUR CHILD ABOUT PROTECTIVE BEHAVIOURS

Our girls are now 10 and 8. They've both had an informal discussion about protective behaviours and boundaries at least six times. Very casual...

Our first chat went something like this.... ‘Cedar and Macy, Mum and Dad want to have a talk to you about some stuff that is really important to know as a little kid and we think you’re smart enough and brave enough to understand. There are some adults out there in the community that aren’t very nice and do some really naughty and horrible things to children. Sometimes, these really naughty adults try to touch your body and ask you to touch theirs. The parts of your body that are private and belong to you and you only...like your vagina, your chest, your bottom, your mouth and no one should ever try and touch you there except for Mum and Dad and that's only if we are washing you, dressing you, putting sunscreen on you and that kind of thing. They should never expect you to touch their private parts either. (So tricky if the perpetrator is a parent. I guess this conversation is less likely to occur if that were the case).

These people can sometimes be people you know and also people you don’t know. So if anyone makes you feel uncomfortable in any way, and tries to touch you or asks you to touch them please tell us or your Teacher or anyone you feel comfortable and safe talking to. You will never get in trouble for telling. You will be brave and so amazingly smart if you tell someone. No need to be scared, telling an adult is a very good thing. The community calls them Paedophiles. (hard I know but they will be fine. Being familiar with that word is not a bad thing)

If a person in a car approaches you at the park or anywhere else and offers you a lollie or chocolate or to pat their puppy, you RUN. You run as fast as you can. Scream out loud too. Never ever let them get close to you. Run like the wind...until you feel safe.

Again, this doesn’t happen that often but it’s happened before so you need to know what to do. The world is a beautiful place but sometimes there are some horrible people out there.’

So it goes something to that affect. Our girls are of the impression that it’s a good thing to know and they will definitely run like the wind if they feel unsafe and that they will tell someone no matter what. (well we can only hope). The last conversation we had with them they were trying to dance mid conversation hence how relaxed they were. Kids are stronger than you think and can process information easier than a lot of adults. Equip them with life saving tools through the form of conversation a few times a year and no one will compromise the free spirit of your child. We need to make a Paedophiles life hell and if you don’t teach your children about protective behaviours then these Paedophiles can and will do ghastly things to your child or someone else's.

Sadly this crime is rife and rattling our innocent child's mind is extremely uncomfortable and can dictate why you never have this discussion with them. But sorry, it's not a good enough reason to reject this conversation. If I had known this crime existed let alone some basic awareness, I would've been spared. There is no doubt about that. I was 100% sheltered from this evil and was even tricked as to think it was 'normal' behaviour between anyone who loved each other! Nuts right!! Kids are so vulnerable but they are also super resilient. Have the most important conversation of their young lives and pitch it with the basic facts with signs of inappropriate touch in the first instance and to trust their instincts of feeling icky!

You'd prefer a 5 minute chat that shocks them a little rather them suffer a lifetime of hell if they are abused. And most importantly you can not physically protect them from this. You can never think you know if he is a Paedophile or not. Some parents have said to me, 'I would never expose my child to a Paedophile'! That's right, not intentionally, but their uncle or grandfather or soccer coach could be one? You will never ever know! Empower your children through conversation is key and don't let the stranger danger talk dominate!

What are you waiting for....go have a chat and an icecream together xx